I mustache you a question.
Today I answer the question that has plagued mankind for centuries. Mustache on or off? Itʼs a delicate subject, especially for the freediving man. On one side thereʼs the group that says a big fat “no” to the ‘stache. Their main concern is that it doesnʼt allow their mask to seal. This causes leakage, which sometimes leads to men crying. Never a good thing. The rival camp argues that if you look good, you feel good and you play good. Also the ladies dig the ‘stache and you canʼt argue with thousands of years of evolution. If youʼre man enough to grow a mustache, you should be man enough not to cry when you get salt water in your eye. This battle has been raging for thousands of years. Today the victor steps forward and raises its flag. In favor of… Oh I donʼt know.
My first step in solving this riddle was to figure out scientifically if the benefits of having a mustache outweighed the disadvantages. I talked to my good friend Dr. John Shedd, his answer blew my mind. “Of course there are the obvious benefits like sun protection and looking cool.” said Dr. Shedd. “ Our skin has an enzyme called 5 alpha reductase. This turns regular testosterone into Dihydroepitestosterone (DHT) a really amped up form of testosterone. DHT will cause you to make a lot of bad macho decisions.”
It gets terribly scientific after that. He went on to say that mustaches keep that from happening. I can only assume mustaches provide an outlet for DHT. Like when the earth gets too sexy after it rains (everything looks better wet) so it shoots out a rainbow, thus preventing an explosion. Mustache – 1, no mustache – 0.
Lets talk leakage now. There are numerous reasons why a diver doesnʼt want water in his mask. Getting salt water in your eyes kinda sucks. Sometimes it gets so bad that your vision is impaired. I generally enjoy seeing when Iʼm freediving, especially if Iʼm spearfishing. So if you have a mustache there is a chance you could go blind while freediving. Mustache – 1, no mustache – 1.
In a study I just made up for this article it was found that 8 out of 10 women prefer men with mustaches. So besides leakage, why wouldnʼt a man want a mustache? I spoke to my best friend, Calamari Charley, who refuses to grow a mustache even though it is literally on my bucket list to see him with one. He said, “Every time I let it grow out there is this really awkward and creepy period where its really thin in the middle and grows faster on the sides, making me look like a catfish.” An Awkward Catfish Stage (ACS) is never a good thing. There is not much that can be done about an ACS except for covering it up. This is done with a mustache toupee. When this happens, nobody wins. Mustache – 1, no mustache – 1.
Streamlining is also a concern especially for us competitive divers. Everything counts. Before my research Iʼd definitely be chalking up another point for “no mustache”. However, I did my research and it turns out you can put vaseline on your ‘stache. Not only does this improve streamlining cause the water literally slips right off your face but it helps your mask seal and its fun to do. The score remains tied 1 – 1.
Tom Selleck, Ron Burgundy, Hulk Hogan, Mike Ditka, Burt Reynolds, Charlie Chaplin, Super Mario, Ned Flanders, Jeff Hogan, Mark Twain, Albert Einstein and Grant Hogan. Mustache – 2, no mustache – 1.
Iʼm almost positive when I was a child I had a lemonade stand. I donʼt know what else I would have done for money because my resume today looks like a 12-year-oldʼs who wants to join the justice league. My uselessness isnʼt the point. The point is with the money I earned as a child laborer I bought multiple fake glasses-nose-mustache disguise things. Obviously Iʼm pro-‘stache and I have been for a very long time. Itʼs difficult not to be. I eat buffalo and baked beans. Fire tickles me and my best friends are my dog and Charley. Iʼm almost a full grown man. I am Pro-Stache. That should be enough. So the next time you pull out the razor because you feel you have to shave in order to go freediving. Stop. Think. Put the little plastic thingy back on your razor. Try something new and maybe you will like it. I know the ladies will.
PS: I havenʼt mentioned how much my life is paralleling Wolverineʼs in this post, so Iʼll add this. I live in the mountains now and I seem to be very content.
A great mustache:
Lack of a great mustache: